Thursday, July 24, 2008

If you've seen Juan...

This was the first item in my "In" box when I fired up the email program at work this morning. It's from a member of a listserv I belong to. It's not a very active listserv any more. I tend to forget it's still out there most of the time. Anyway, this email made my day:

Subject: Puns
  1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The Stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.
  2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, 'Dam!'
  3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
  4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says, 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
  5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
  6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. But why, they asked as they moved off. 'Because,' he said, 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'
  7. A woman had twins and gave them up for adoption. One of them went to a family in Egypt, who named him Ahmal. The other was taken in by a family in Spain; they named him Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, 'They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'
  8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to 'persuade' them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so.... thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
  9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time. This produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Get ready...)) a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
  10. And, finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.


G said...

I don't know why this reminds me of the two Spanish firefighters, Jose and Hose B.

But it does.

Just Me said...

How very funny. A friend of mine sent me the same email this afternoon.

If I can't get my comment to post on the third attempt at the blinkin' word verification, I'm going to scream.

--V said...

I think my favorite pun has to be G's about the florist who only worked with ferns: with fronds like these, who needs anemones?

Sound cue: rim shot.

Anna said...

Ten treasures. Here's one of my favourites:
At Scotland's Glasgow University, the following note was seen hanging on a lecturer's door: "Today's tutorial is canceled because Dr. N. is il." After the misspelled final word, a student had penciled in: "(sic)".